A Lesson in Dressing
by JoeBoBean
Summary: Lewis takes it upon himself to murder... one of Hathaway's less than attractive ties.


_AN: This fic was written not long after "The Cat Who Got the Cream" and like that fic was originally on the lj community. I wrote this just after we had watched "Dead of Winter" (I think) in series four where James goes on a date and is wearing the worst tie I have ever seen! It was a red and green tartan monstrosity. Normally I love his ties, this one I did not like at all. So instead I attacked a tie that I would also hate if he wore it. I also needed a bit of Forseti, because I love that cat. Please enjoy xx._

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Detective Sergeant James Hathaway knew enough about his superior officer that he could write a book. Not a very long book he would admit, but a book none the less. That wasn't surprising really when the pair had been partners longer than about 79% of celebrity marriages.

He didn't know if this fact made him fiercely proud; since it meant that he had found someone he could be partnered with that understood him; or if it made him depressed at the sad state of marriage in this day and age.

Not that it really mattered because even though he knew enough things about Detective Robert "Robbie" Lewis to write a book; it didn't mean that he knew everything about the other man. Every day he was surprised that he learnt something new. He had once heard that every day is a school day and when he was around his superior officer this adage always came true. He knew today that he would undoubtedly learn something new and that it would once again take him off guard.

This idea was confirmed when he walked in to their shared office to have Lewis' shrewd eyes turn on him.

"Come over here Hathaway," he said his northern accent thick on each word drawing James in to the proverbial mud, but he did as he was told and went around to Lewis' desk,

"What have you got here Sir?" he asked leaning over his superior's shoulder towards the computer only to see the monitor was blank. Not only that; but the lack of flashing lights showed that the computer had never been turned on. He put a hand to his face worried for a second as Lewis' turned in his chair brandishing a pair of scissors. He saw the malicious glint in Lewis' eyes and swallowed hard trying to think of what he had forgotten to do, but came up blank.

He heard the distinctive rasp of metal against metal as Lewis opened the scissors wide and tried to move out of his superior officer's reach, but it didn't help. As he stepped backwards Lewis stood up and grabbed his tie. James wanted to say something, anything to calm Lewis down because nothing could be worth attacking him at work. He swallowed again and wanted to reach up to the scar on his jaw panic flaring in his gut.

He knew they'd had an argument the day before, but it was about the fact that he had used the last of the milk in the fridge meaning that Lewis couldn't have a much needed cup of tea. In the grand scheme of things though would that really be enough of a reason for Lewis to go for him?

Finally after a long few seconds James decided that if he was going to be attacked he would want no one else to be the attacker. So even though he could feel the adrenalin humming through his blood he relaxed and let his arms fall to his sides.

James convinced himself that it wasn't all that bad being under the mercy of Lewis with scissors, but he couldn't bring himself to look at him. So instead he squeezed his eyes shut and prayed that whatever was going to happen would end soon. He heard the sound of scissors shredding through material followed by the instruments of torture being placed on the desk before the shredder began to whirr filling the office with the grinding of gears. It was only after he heard the shredder cut out and he could tell that his boss had sat back in his chair did he dare to open his eyes. At that he was graced by Lewis looking at him slightly bemused.

"If I was going to kill you Jim I would have picked a better place." he told him in a matter of fact tone as James sagged against the wall glancing downward. This was when he noticed what was missing. James made an uncharacteristic squeak and leapt across the room to the shredder removing the top to look at it. "It wasn't a present was it?" Lewis asked a little late, but was relieved to see James shake his head at him.

"I bought it myself," James replied thickly as if talking was an effort.

"That's good I was worried for a second there." Lewis replied the note of sympathy that the sentiment needed totally absent as his chair creaked with him leaning back on it.

"If you didn't like the tie you could have just told me." James murmured as he fingered the jammed material.

"Would you have stopped wearing it?" Lewis asked with gentle humour.

"Most likely not Sir, beauty is as they say in the eye of the beholder." he glanced up at Lewis and saw the ghost of a smile tugging at the corner of the older man's lips.

"Well no offence Sergeant. No one but you found that tie particularly attractive. Also no man lets another man wear a green tartan tie... ever." Lewis stood up to stretch his hands over his head and James heard the distinctive click of bones realigning along Lewis' spine in relief. "Tartan is for blankets, kilts and Scotsmen and since you are not a Scotsmen and that was not a kilt or a blanket I could not let it stand." James nodded numbly and sat back in his chair still cradling the top of the shredder with the tie lying lifelessly across it. "You might want to take that last bit off…" Lewis stated pointing at the short knot still around his neck.

"I suppose I should Sir," James replied bitterly putting the jammed shredder back together. He raised his hands to the knot and took off the last remaining yard of the tie he had thought looked quite... dashing if he had to put a word to it. He ran his hands over the coloured crisscrossed material and sighed. "What am I going to tell Ma'am if she asks?" he asked forlornly.

"What are you talking about James?" Lewis said softly and James felt a warm hand on his shoulder; he looked up in to stormy grey eyes and almost wanted to strangle their owner. "She won't ever know," the gruff Geordie accent finished placing a bundle of what felt like wrapped fabric in his hands. "We've been together five years now, so I think I have a few years of Birthday and Christmas gifts to catch up on; don't you?" James wanted to say something like _but we don't do that Sir;_ as if saying it would make a difference; Lewis had set his mind to the task and he wouldn't be swayed from it. He could even see the determination in those eyes and knew that his boss had been thinking about this long a hard and he didn't have the will to break his heart.

"Thank you Sir," he mumbled as he looked down at the bundle, "But you should know it wasn't really Tartan in the strictest sense."

"I know that Sergeant, but it still looked like you mobbed a Scotsman for a few feet of his spring kilt." James couldn't help it, at that remark he began to laugh. "Well I'm glad that something made you laugh."

"You were rather blunt Sir." He replied,

"Well are you going to open it?" Lewis asked sounding oddly like a little boy on Christmas morning. James was nervous, he had never been good at lying about presents he didn't like and he knew that for all his projected strength Lewis was a very fragile man emotionally.

That fact he had learnt the first day they met at the airport and he had almost been run over by a red _Jaguar_ he had never asked Lewis about it directly, but he had found out after a lot of coercing of Doctor Hobson that Morse had driven a car very much like that. So if he had to lie about how he liked the gift he would rather not do it to his face; muffled speaking on the phone would be far easier. When he saw Lewis sit on the edge of his own desk he knew that the older man would not be placated until James had opened the rather bulky gift. "Well?" he asked again rather impatiently.

"If you want me to Sir," James replied putting his nail under the nearest seam of paper and pulling it away from the sticky tape. The paper and tape separated easily and James found that under the outer shell of plain blue wrapping paper there was a bundled mass of tissue paper; he felt his brow furrow as Lewis chuckled.

"Not a fan of passing the parcel then?" he asked leaning back on his desk to grab his mug of cooling tea.

"Not normally Sir," James said in reply as he found the end of the sticky tape on the new layer, "I never seemed to win."

"Well today is your lucky day Jim, as you can't lose."

"That is one way to look at it; I suppose." he muttered under his breath as he unwrapped a pale yellow section of tissue paper.

"You are supposing a whole lot this morning Sergeant." Lewis remarked before he drank his tea with a small grimace. James was about to say something biting back when a length of silk fell out of the pale yellow layer of tissue paper and on to his lap.

"Sir I can't accept this," he said softly his voice breaking slightly from gratitude.

"You can and you will." Lewis replied just as softly, James ran the deep purple silk through his fingers and looked back up at Lewis;

"It's an odd size though," he stated plainly as he looked at the thin tie in his hand; it seemed an out of character gift for Lewis, a little too fashionable James had to admit.

"That is because it is a 'skinny tie' Hathaway. Look at me an old timer telling you what's what." Lewis 'educated' him smiling as James frowned all the more, "You've worn one before and when I saw this one in a store, it made me think of you." James couldn't piece it together. Why would a black tie; as he realised on a second glance that it was black; with interwoven deep purple stripes; remind Lewis of him? "But that's not all," Lewis said pointing at the bundle that still hadn't shrunk in size.

"I have to ask Sir do you dislike all my ties." James mumbled as he unwound the newest layer of orange tissue paper and another length of silk fell in to his lap, this time it was wider and longer than the last.

"No I don't and dislike is a strong word Sergeant, but as Val always told me 'a working man can't ever have too many ties' as well as 'I have a feeling I'm going to have to tell you how to dress,' but that was something else entirely." James felt himself swallow reflexively at the mention of the older man's deceased wife.

"I would have liked to meet her." he found himself mumbling before he could stop himself.

"Aye she would have loved you, son." Lewis replied, "She always did have a thing for well educated men, why she picked me I don't know." At the natural slip of Lewis calling him son, James felt his chest tighten, he never had handled compliments well, but hearing that from Lewis he knew was a sign of respect and it made him so proud it almost hurt.

When Lewis had finished talking James knew he could run off many reasons why his wife would have picked him over all of the most educated men in England, but when he opened his mouth to speak, the words he wanted to say just wouldn't come out.

Instead he picked up the new addition to his tie collection it was a thick black tie covered in textured squares, he held it in front of his shirt and the pale blue of the cotton looked good next to it so he pushed his collar up and wound the tie around his neck.

"Sir I hate to tell you this, but it is rather long…" James said as he began to loop the wider end of the tie around the narrow side in the beginnings of a knot.

"Well yes Sergeant it is," Lewis said rather sarcastically his accent making the use of his title sound like nails on a chalk board, "James it's for those days you decide you want to look professional and confident. It's that long so you can tie a double Windsor knot. You can use this tie practically any time we have a meeting with Innocent." Lewis said with a smile. "I've noticed you sometimes tie a double Windsor, but then you spend the day tugging at it like it's too short so I thought an extra long tie would help." Lewis finished his lilting accent sounding a little unsure now with all the earlier confidence gone.

"I have to admit you put a lot of thought in to this Sir."

"Well I don't need you to tell me that luck favours the prepared." Lewis quipped with a wink,

"You also seem to have an avid interest as to what I wear." James said back as he wrapped the wider section of the tie again around the emerging knot.

"What sort of superior officer would I be if I didn't pay attention?" Lewis asked his accent this time lending a sincere yet still demanding edge to his voice. James couldn't think of a reply as he wound the wider edge around again before threading it through the knot and then pulling it down; so he decided it was better to keep his mouth shut. He finished the tie by tightening the knot at the centre of his collar and folding the edges of the collar back over. When he finished tying the tie he smoothed the silk down and looked at his reflection in the window straightening the knot slightly so it was perfectly centred.

Finally happy with his appearance he sat down again and didn't say anything more and neither did Lewis. The pair sat in companionable silence as James un-wrapped layer upon layer of ties and brightly coloured tissue paper. When James was finished it looked as if someone had thrown a rainbow in their office and it had transformed in to little clouds of colour; as the tissue paper was strewn across the office space in little scrunched up clumps. Across his desk it was another story; from one edge to the other all the gifts bar the one he was wearing were lined up side by side in the order they had fallen out of the parcel. There had been ten in all one for each birthday and Christmas in the last five years.

The colours ranged from a deep cranberry to a night sky navy tie with a black Paisley design so dark it could hardly be seen; but that wasn't all. The designs of the ties ranged from block colours to pinstripe and the sizes changed from thin to standard and from extra long to a normal size. It looked to James as if Lewis had thought of every occasion and picked a tie that he knew James had a shirt and jacket to match it to. Not only that; James didn't have to fake his delight every single tie was perfect.

James looked at the ranging mass of silk and sighed.

"Jim?" Lewis asked his normally strong voice more than a little unsure, "If you don't like it..." he didn't get to finish what he was about to say because James turned his head towards the older man a smile curving his lips and colour high on his cheeks.

"I was a little scared Sir," he said his voice thick with mirth, "Because you were giving me fashion advice." Lewis gave him the '_and what is that supposed to mean Sergeant?'_ stare and he shrugged, "I mean when we first met you were wearing a rather horrendous shirt."

"They were the all the rage in the Virgin Islands I'll have you know Sergeant."

"Keep telling yourself that Sir," James replied sarcastically, "I don't even think Tom Selleck could pull that shirt off." Lewis' brow furrowed as he put his cup down.

"So now you are a connoisseur of popular culture. Will I ever catch up to you Sergeant?" His superior officer asked a little snappily; James looked bewildered for a second, but as soon as he made a move to respond there was a knock on their office door and Chief Superintendent Innocent popped her head in.

"Boys," she stated the word in the way she said most opening sentences to the pair; full of suspicion, almost as if she knew they were always making trouble.

"Come in Ma'am," Lewis replied, "I was just giving Hathaway a lesson in dressing." She looked at Lewis with a sartorial eye and then glanced at James and finally the shredder. At the sight of the shredder her eyes lit up for a mere second.

"Thank goodness someone did something about that tie," she breathed looking directly at Lewis, "Keep up the good work."

"Thank you Ma'am," the older man said back and with that she left the pair alone again. James pointed at the closed door his mouth open, but for the second not working well enough for speech. Eventually he found the words,

"Are you going to tell me Sir that the Chief Superintendent was involved?" he asked dumbstruck,

"Oh no Jim she just happened to hate that tie." James nodded numbly for what seemed the millionth time that morning,

"Anything else I should know?" James asked as he put his head to the desk feeling rumpled silk on his forehead,

"I'm partial to a pint of _Newcastle Brown_ every now and then." Lewis replied as he sat back behind his desk throwing the tissue paper behind him, "Other than that, my birthday is in a few months."

"Thank you for the warning Sir," James droned as he switched on his computer. "I think I better start planning now."

"That was the point Sergeant." Lewis said with a smile.

"Sir?" James asked and Lewis looked in to his young Sergeant's blue eyes and nodded, "Thank you," he said simply and Lewis stood up and while leaning across his desk he patted James on the shoulder.

"Don't mention it Jim, you would do it for me."

"Maybe with a little more finesse," James mumbled as the computer finished booting up. "I have one question though Sir." James said finally after he had sorted through his e-mails.

"Yes James?" Lewis asked in reply as he headed for the office door mug in hand.

"Why did Innocent not say anything about the shredder you broke, it's the fourth one this month." he said as he glanced back at what remained, of what he thought was quite a nice tie.

"Oh that." Lewis said his embarrassment making his accent more pronounced, "She said she would forget about the broken shredders and other technology if I could get you out of that damn tie. I thought it was fitting that I got rid of it with one of the pieces of technology she was going to 'forget' about." He pushed a hand through his hair and smiled crookedly, "Anyway I'm sure Forseti will find a use for the shredded tie." Lewis finished warmly opening the office door and stepping out to the small kitchen area down the corridor.

"I'm sure he will," James mused as he pulled the plug out of the wall socket so he could tug at the jammed material.

When the work day was over James headed home to Forseti his cat that prowled out of the living room regally to greet him.

"Hello boy," he said crouching down to scratch behind the ear of his beloved cat. When he stood up again he noticed that Forseti was still watching the door and it made James smile, "He's gone home, he's not coming tonight." And he knew he said it as much to himself as he did to his pet.

After doing so James walked out of the passage way and in to the living room,

"He has better things to do than spend time with his Sergeant drinking beer." he finished sinking in to the sofa. Eventually when it seemed like Forseti was satisfied that James didn't have a guest the cat came in and pounced on his owner nuzzling in to his neck. "Someone seems to be lonely," James laughed as he smoothed down Forseti's fur as he held his cat close.

Forseti purred and James loosened his grip momentarily on the cat and watched as the lump of fur turned and nudged the bag that James had put next to him.

"Oh so it's not even me that you were interested in." James said glumly as he opened the latch on his bag so his cat could nose around. Within seconds the cat had found the shredded tie and purred almost sadly at his owner. "Well it's good to see someone liked that tie other than me" James said before he watched his cat take the length of mangled material out of his bag and then drag it across the room to the waste paper basket. "This is ridiculous" James spat, "Even my cat is a traitor."

After Forseti put what was left of the green and yellow tartan tie in the bin he turned to James with what looked like the cat approximation of a mischievous grin; all James could do was sigh,

"You could have told me." James said to Forseti who was purring happily with his head rested on the new ties Lewis had given him as if to show his approval. "_All things betray thee, who betrayest me_" he muttered as Forstei stared at him in a way James knew said, _you don't need to act smart with me_. "Sorry" he said softly "It's a force of habit."

He scratched at the fur under his cat's chin and heard the deep satisfied growl he made.

"But it does look like my boss has made a traitor out of you," he finished kissing the top of his cat's head. "Well it looks as if I should make an effort to get something for him. Wouldn't you agree Forseti?" he asked his cat that regarded him warily in response. "Don't worry Foresti; Lewis won't hold it against you." James finished with a smile.

A few weeks later Lewis walked in to the shared office and saw a parcel on his desk, looking at the envelope on the card he knew it was from James, there was no one else in the office with that distinctive flair to their handwriting. He walked up to the parcel eyeing it with mild suspicion. It was a box that much he could tell, but other than that the thing was a mystery.

He picked up the envelope and opened it removing the card that showed the sunset over _Port Meadow_. It was plain but picturesque and it made Lewis smile. He opened the card and inside he saw a knot of Jim's handwriting that read:

_"The excellency of every art is its intensity, _

_Capable of making all disagreeables evaporate, _

_From their being in close relationship with beauty and truth."_

_Enjoy Sir._

Lewis smiled and pulled the black ribbon off the box carefully before he ripped the paper to find the cardboard beneath,

"Cheeky sod!" he said still smiling as he pulled the sticky tape off the stuck down edges of the box.

James was stood in the corridor outside, pretending he wasn't listening to the response his present made; as the rest of the CID personnel passed him with raised eyebrows. He almost couldn't take the suspense anymore when a bark of a laugh came from inside the office turning everyone's heads in its direction. James felt himself grin before he walked in to the office with and air on nonchalance. Lewis looked at him with tears in his eyes.

"Well played James, well played." The Geordie officer said as he patted James' shoulder making the younger man glow.

Over on the desk between the phone and the computer monitor was a bottle of N_ewcastle Brown_ and a kilt in Lewis' size; in the same pattern as the ill fated tie.


End file.
